ARE YOU MANAGING YOUR ANGER - OR IS IT CONTROLLING YOU?
Ernest J. Bordini , Ph.D., Executive Director,
Clinical Psychology Associates of N. Central Florida www.cpancf.com 352-336-2888
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Anger is a normal part of human emotion, whether as a reaction to a threat, injustice, or simply being hurt as part of someone’s thoughtlessness. We may experience it as a momentary reaction, as more intense rage, or persisting anger about an ongoing situation or even a single event. It comes out of our self-preservation instincts. The experience of anger can convey a simple message that something is wrong or threatening.
Usually, the emotion of anger itself is a perfectly normal part of being human. The bigger problem is that not all people deal with anger in a constructive or rational manner. When this happens, behaviors can become destructive, both in the short and long run. When out of control it can cause problems in relationships, at home, work and impact negatively on marriage, work advancement and even lead to legal problems. Unfortunately, some people’s lives spin out of control, because anger is controlling them.
Anger may come on slowly or quickly, but usually triggers our fight-or-flight system in terms of raising our heart rate, increasing our focus and releasing hormones such as adrenalin. In short, our bodies receive a call to action. This is part of our survival instinct and usually settles down after the threat is gone or after we have removed ourselves from the situation.
The fight-or-flight response is designed for immediate survival. When someone has an unusually low threshold for anger, or cannot “let go” of anger they may be constantly on edge and over-reacting to what they may see as new threats. This may lead to a constant state of agitation which results in problems with others as well as personal problems with depression, stress, and even increased risk for hypertension and heart attacks. Anger problems sometimes become complicated by efforts to “self-medicate” with alcohol, a substance that usually leads to even worse anger control.
While we may all get angry, people who cannot “let go” of anger may become “angry people”.
What are appropriate ways of dealing with and expressing anger?
Often, one of the keys to keeping anger under control is to recognize that anger is usually a reaction. Good communication can often be the key to dealing with a situation or to clearing up a misunderstanding, or an unintended slight. A problematic situation is more likely to result in a cooperative solution if one controls anger in a way that does not provoke a counter attack. Respectful communication and good problems solving can also avoid negative personal consequences for unacceptable angry aggressive behavior.
Psychologists use terms such as aggressive, passive, and assertive to describe certain interactions and communications between people. Simply put, aggressive behavior is threatening, does not respect other’s rights, and usually ends up producing negative consequences or an aggressive response in return. Passive behavior means allowing one’s own rights to be violated. While there is definite wisdom in “picking your battles”, this can lead to resentment and allows anger to grow if it is a situation or problem that must be addressed. Assertive behavior is simply described as being able to communicate one’s needs, limits or opinions in a manner that maintains respect for the rights of others and the rights of others to disagree.
Assertive communication means being able to clearly put your concerns, needs, or complaint into words, and expressing your wishes about the situation without hurting others and without being pushy or demanding.
Sometimes re-directing some of the energy that comes along with anger in a productive instead of a destructive way helps keep anger under control while preventing the build up of resentment. This may involve getting involved in education of others, establishing a committee or work-group to study a particular problem, or sometimes even just blowing off some steam in healthy ways by exercising, or by getting a sense of satisfaction and a better sense of control by getting some things done.
Most inappropriate expressions of anger occur because we are reacting to our physical response created by our instinct and have not allowed the thinking part of our human nature to fully engage. Often we can respond better by gaining control of our own thoughts and bodily reactions first. Not crowding (i.e. giving space), lowering your voice, speaking slower, breathing calmly, slowing down your speech, relaxing your hands and muscles can be helpful in avoiding a poorly controlled response to a situation that may make you angry. Allow time and create distance if necessary until you can respond in a calm manner.
What is the goal of Anger Management?
The goal of anger management is to learn how to react to situations in an assertive manner, which allows you to stand up for yourself, and to be able to communicate you concerns or needs without threatening, intimidating or violating the rights of others. This usually involves learning to control that instinctual fight or flight reaction and learning to communicate your limits, needs, feelings and concerns in a constructive way.
Is My Anger Out of Control?
While psychological tests sometimes help answer this question, it can usually be answered by taking an honest look at yourself, and listening to what others close to you might think. You may be receiving reprimands, experiencing road rage, excessive impatience in line, lashing out at strangers, intimidating co-workers, experiencing marital problems, losing friendships, or experiencing avoidance by other people. You may be surprising or even frightening yourself with your reactions.
For some people this may be an ongoing problem, just due to their physical makeup, excessive demands on themselves or others, low tolerance for frustration, or lack of flexibility. Some people learned to act in angry way to protect themselves at an early age, or learned to act this way by growing up in chaotic or difficult situations. For others, anger management difficulties may be brought on by various types of stress or even depression, excess anxiety, or a medical condition.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you are being surprised at the level of your anger, or it is interfering with your work, advancement, marriage, or friendships, there is a good chance your anger is out of control. Talking to a counselor or psychologist for an assessment and help learning anger management skills would likely be helpful. Many communities have specialized anger management groups when anger problems have contributed to domestic violence. EAP programs often offer or refer to other resources for anger management.
Related Article: Anger Management 101: Rules for Civil Dicussion or Productive Disagreements
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Clinical Psychology Associates of North Central Florida offers Employee Assistance Programs to municipalities and employers in the North Central Florida Area. We offer a range of services for employers included EAP programs, fitness for duty evaluations, supervisor training, and violence avoidance seminars.
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